Setting Boundaries con la Familia

There’s this idea that the holiday season is supposed to be full of joy, warm, and fuzzy feelings. But the reality is that this is not always the case. Family gatherings can be stressful, and knowing how to set boundaries con la familia can be anxiety inducing. You might be already dealing with being called “la malcriada” de la familia. Ay dios, how dare you challenge the status quo, girl, you know que calladita te ves más bonita! Well.. I’m here to help you challenge these harmful messages. 

We often associate setting boundaries with being selfish, disrespectful, and with the potential of hurting people’s feelings. However, setting boundaries is an act of love, and it often enhances relationships and our peace of mind, allowing us to be more intentional with where we pour our energy.

Here are 4 tips to set limits this season:

Prepare ahead of time

Have you ever come up with the perfect response to a disrespectful comment or to a disagreement after the fact? Say, while in the shower? It happens to a lot of us. When we have the space to process what we are confronted with we can think more clearly, and often set better boundaries. This is why it’s important to prepare yourself ahead of time, and have pre-planned responses and phrases, should you need them. 

While laughing and dismissing hurtful comments can be a quick fix in an uncomfortable moment, it teaches other people and yourself that your feelings are not important and it does not respect your needs. 

At times, you may choose to use playfulness and humor when setting boundaries. For example, when they ask you la pregunta que nunca falta, ¿Y el novio? You may choose to respond with playfulness: cual de todxs? However, sometimes a more direct approach is needed. You can continue to be gentle and firm. You may choose to answer comments like “estas mas gordita” by directly asking the person to not comment on your body: “I would prefer you not comment on my body, porque no mejor me preguntas que tal me va en el trabajo?”  This way, you are explicitly letting that family member know that it is not okay to talk about your appearance. This clearly communicates what is okay not okay to discuss. 

Walk away

Let’s be real. Sometimes having to hear toxic messages during gatherings will inevitably bring up feelings and it can be hard to cope in the moment. I invite you to be mindful about the way certain comments and people’s energy is impacting you. It is totally okay to take a break to ground yourself, you can excuse yourself and go to your car or take a moment in the restroom. 

Check in with your allies 

Whether it’s another family member who understands and supports your boundaries or a friend who you can lean on, it is okay to ask for support in difficult moments. You may choose to send a quick message to your friend letting them know how you are feeling or asking the family member for support in the moment. It can also be helpful to set time aside to decompress and vent after the family gathering. 

Choosing not to participate

Give yourself permission to protect your energy and peace. While feelings of guilt can show up por el que diran or the pressure to show up for family despite the harm they may cause, it is okay to choose to not attend gatherings. It is okay to choose yourself and prioritize your mental health. 

GENTLE REMINDER: It is absolutely okay for you to set boundaries and take care of your needs. Learning to do this when you have been conditioned to do the opposite is incredibly hard, don’t forget to give yourself the much needed grace you often give others. Apapachate mucho, mujer!